The Wrong Fork in the Road

The connection of Bodymind Spirit and Pilates
By Kim Fielding

I had big plans. I felt my whole life was ahead of me. My career as a Health/Fitness and movement professional was coming together, I had big plans but on December 24th, 2003 my plans ended. Eating and my weight were never a problem. Movement, exercising and staying fit was my whole life. I was once your everyday girl struggling to stay within that ever-daunting 5 pounds, more or less. I wish all I had to struggle with was my 5 pounds weight loss goal and achieving my big plans.

On December 24th, 2003 a traumatic event took place and from that moment on my life spun out of control. I did not have the coping skills to deal with what had happened to me. I sank into a deep depression with emotional eating as my coping mechanism. I resigned from my job…my friends…I resigned from life.

I stayed inside and compulsively binged on food. I gained 80 pounds. I was no longer superficially struggling with my self-image it was a real problem. Mind you…I tasted nothing…I felt nothing I didn’t know who I was and no sense of my spirit. I wanted to become invisible…to disappear…the irony of my growing size doesn’t escape me. I didn’t think, I just kept eating and protecting myself with layers of skin and fat. No one would know who I was.

I finally completed my mission to destroy myself. My brother took me away to Florida and no one looked at me. Not a soul. Not a man or a woman. I was not acknowledged. It seemed strange, but I felt better. I didn’t have to deal with any one. I could push everyone away…the cat calls, the looks…the predators.

It had been months since I felt my spirit. A friend of mine asked me to be a student of hers while she completed her hours to be a certified Pilates instructor at Movements Afoot. I walked in and right away I knew I was in a healing, supportive environment and it would become the right place, right time and right people to help me start my recovery.

In that first Pilates session my friend was teaching me and to my shock I felt something in my core…

I felt something that reminded me of me…
I felt the essence of me…
I felt the real me.
I felt my spirit, twinge to a small degree.

…it was time to journey back from the depths of my depression.

After connecting to Pilates in this way I made a conscious choice to become a Pilates Instructor through the guidance and support of my Master teachers Doris Pasteleur Hall and Lesley Powell; I found myself on the most profound journey of my life.

My Pilates journey didn’t stop my emotional eating. I was still gaining weight probably another 20 pounds.

During my Pilates Certification training, my teacher had asked me how my ‘teaching’ was doing?
I said my teaching is doing great. I can teach people things like engage their pelvic floor muscles, but I can’t engage my pelvic floor muscles. She said sometimes when a traumatic experience happens, we disconnect. I couldn’t believe it, it was right in front of my face. I completely disconnected from parts of me – Body, mind and spirit.

I felt so self-conscious about my body. Especially being the biggest one in the program and of course I thought the biggest one in the world.

I found out that my weight had nothing to do with my movement. It had a lot to do with my fear…my self-esteem…and my negative thought patterns…my self-loathing…my self-judgment…my feelings of inadequacy and my anger.

Pilates and movement were the answer for me. Pilates connected me to my strength inside and out. It helped me focus on what my body can do, and not what it looks like to others or myself. I discovered that I am a great mover even with being overweight and still dealing with emotional scarring. It has changed how I see my own body image. It has helped me to appreciate my body’s ability to learn and move regardless of my size. I like how I look.

The December 24th, 2003 traumatic event was an experience that hurt me deeply. Please know time and movement will heal.

While teaching at Movements Afoot I want to help all voluptuous, curvaceous, women and big men to know the beauty of their own body.